Jesus in the Attic

Every night before Lauren goes to bed, we talk about Jesus. One of the questions I ask her is where Jesus lives. She points up and I say, 'Yes, Jesus lives in Heaven'. I felt like such a good mom. My kids knows something about Jesus. Or so I thought.

Last night, I continued our discussion about Jesus. This time we were in the living room putting on her jammies. I asked her where He lived thinking that she would just do the usual pointing up and smiling. This time she took off down the hall, motioning for me to come. She ran in to her room and waited for me to get there. When I walked in, she pointed to the ceiling of her room. I think she believes that Jesus lives in the attic. I guess I'll need to do some redirecting. If nothing else, at least she knows He's close by.

Clean Sweep

Tyler and I got the "organizational bug" last night. Now, I know our families are laughing their tails off right now because organization is not a word in our vocabulary. Nevertheless, we got it and ran with it.

Lauren's toys were getting out of control. Not because there were too many. It was that we didn't have the proper place to contain them and they started to creep into every room of the house. It seemed as if I couldn't keep them in one place. So our only logical choice was to go to Target. We found a great square storage area with 9 cubbies that held cloth bins. So at 9 o'clock last night Ty put it together. At 10 o'clock I was organizing toys. See, I told you. If we were organized, we would have done this earlier and not waited til the wee hours of the morning. I like to call it being spontaneous. I makes me feel better.

We also hung curtains in the spare room that now contains the new toy shelf. We only lived in this house for three years. I guess it was time to put up curtains. The room looks so nice now. I just go in and look at it from time to time. In order to clean up the room a little, we moved some of Lauren's toys into her room. I had no idea that my actions would scare the poo out of me this morning.

Around 7 am, I got up to take some Tylenol for a little headache I was fighting. As I was making my way in the dark to the kitchen cabinet, I heard a squeaking noise. It was very faint and I was a little groggy from waking up. My mind was flashing all the worst case scenarios in my head. A person with one claw scraping at my window, the fingers of Freddy dragging down our hallway wall. You know, the usual. I slowly opened the door hoping that I was just watching too many movies on the USA Network. I took one step and tripped over Lauren and her play stroller. It was one of the toys I put in her room last night. I guess she was very excited it was there because she wasn't two feet out of bed before it was in her hands and heading towards my room. See, this is why I don't organize. It ends up making you heart stop.

Come On!!

Well, it happened again. I went to another doctor's appointment and something got screwed up. Imagine that, a doctor's appointment that didn't go well for me. Who would have thought? That never happens to me. (Insert sarcastic tones here)

I made an appointment at a new Orthotics and Prosthetics place to get Lauren a new brace for her leg. This place shall remain nameless due to the fact that a person who attends my church works there. I made the appointment about three weeks ago. So I got up and got brave to make my journey into the rainy city of Charlotte. I found it right away without getting lost, I guess something good did come out of it. I went up the elevator to the second floor and walked in the door. There was no one in the waiting room. That should have been my first clue. The second was the look on the receptionists face. She had the "oh, crap" look written all over her.

Long story short, they never had my appointment. Never mind that they actually sent me the paperwork to fill out before I got there to save time. If I didn't have an appointment, I wouldn't have the forms with their company's name on the front! Can't get that from clip art, so they should have known I talked to someone. Apparently, the receptionist was out of the office for surgery when I made the appointment and all the calls got transferred to another office in Winston-Salem. Come on! The people in Winston-Salem had no idea that the doctor wasn't even in the office today. He was in Huntersville. Seriously, am I that unlucky? Who has ever had more problems with doctors than me? Is this my life? I wasted 10 bucks driving there and back. Do they not know how difficult it is for me to drive in Charlotte and not get lost? Maybe I just have high expectations for people who work in the medical industry. Maybe if junk like this doesn't happen to me once a month I would be a little more understanding. Can I get an Amen?!?!

Anyway, I go back on Monday at one o'clock. They just better hope it goes well or I will be opening a can of whoop-butt. I'm not afraid. I will go all Bionic Woman on them!

Shoeless Joe

Lauren has discovered that all of my shoes are in the closet for her choosing. The only problem is that she takes just one shoe at a time. She will venture to the closet to find a style of shoe that fits her mood and wear it until it falls off or she gets bored with it. It never gets dropped in the same place twice. I have found shoes in the bathroom, kitchen, under the spare bed, next to my bed under the bed skirt, and under the couch. Each shoe that I have found has been one of a pair. Never have I found a matching pair and most of the time I don't even know they're missing until I go to wear them. I am afraid to go into my closet and pick a pair of shoes to wear. Chances are good that there is only one there.

Do You Think...

Do you think that Lauren will read this blog one day and think that she is a burden to me?
Do you think that Lauren will read this blog one day and think that I wasn't glad that she is around?

I have been pretty honest about my feelings and sometimes feel that it would make Lauren feel bad if she could read. Not sure if I spent too much time complaining and not enough time talking about the positives about this experience. I don't ever want her to read this one day and get the wrong idea. I never want to crush her feelings.

Self Doubt

I have been going through this mental tug-of-war with myself lately. I have been battling with a question that I know the answer to logically, but the world around me makes it hard for the logic to stick. It all started with my Pastor giving an illustration from his life to help drive home a point in his sermon. His story got me thinking.

I won't go into the whole sermon, but my Pastor gave the illustration of the birth of his second child. There was a point during the delivery that had him a little concerned. He described the feelings he had during that time. They were exactly like the ones I had during Lauren's birth. He described how the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck twice. That was the same amount of times that is was wrapped around Lauren's neck. The only difference and the thing that started me thinking? His baby was fine, Lauren was not. I have been hearing stories lately that start out sounding very similar to Lauren's story only the endings didn't work out the same. So my question is why? Why didn't I get the happy ending like my Pastor or anyone else that had a close call?

I hear all the time that having a kid with special needs is a blessing. I agree, Lauren is the biggest blessing in my life. I hear all the time that God trusts me more so I get to have a child like Lauren. I get the line that I am the perfect mother for Lauren. True, no one else could take care of Lauren like we do. The only problem is that it doesn't make me feel better. I still wish I had the happy ending. Having a kid with special needs doesn't feel like a blessing sometimes. I get to worry about more than just the normal kid stuff. I get to pay more medical bills than the normal kid bills. I get to fill out more paperwork than the normal kid paperwork. There is a huge and glaring difference between Lauren and most other children. It's just something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong. Lauren is a blessing to me with or without the special needs. All kids are a blessing. I feel that people say that kids with special needs are a blessing to make the moms feel better. Kinda like when people say it's good luck for it to rain on your wedding day. Yeah, right. That's only said to make the bride feel better.

Logically, I know that Lauren is with me for a specific reason, even if I don't get to know that reason until I get to Heaven. Emotionally, it's hard to hear the stories that turned out great for other people and not me. One day I will get to ask God why it happened. I don't regret one moment. As much as I battle with this on a daily basis, I know the truth. At the end of the day, Lauren is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I know that God loves me and trusts me with this child. My job is to be the best parent I can be. I just need to realize believing that doesn't protect me from the thoughts that pop into my head from time to time.

Dentist Details

My friend Stephanie asked me how the dentist went so I thought I would fill you all in. You were so kind to pray for us. It was really appreciated.


The day started off a little rough. The last time she ate was 7 p.m. the night before the surgery. She wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. Our appointment was 7:30 Friday morning. We were to arrive at 7:15. We got there at 7:10 ready to go. At 8:10, Lauren went back to get started. Apparently, the anesthesiologist got stuck in traffic. Nice. Lauren spent the most of the morning asking for something to eat and all I could say is no. Maybe if you live and work in Charlotte, you should leave a little earlier or pay attention to the traffic patterns. Being late to a procedure like this is ridiculous. It's not like I could tell a three year old to suck it up and quit whining.


The teeth were a little worse than we thought. She had four crowns and three fillings. There was no need for a root canal, but they had to reconstruct a lot of teeth that were almost to the point of root canal. They thought there were only five teeth that needed work, but it ended up to be seven. They gave us the last tooth for free. No lie, they did not charge us for the last tooth. It's like buy six, get one free.


God bless insurance. The extra teeth cost about six hundred dollars more than the original estimate. The insurance will pay about half of the total cost. The entire procedure cost about $3600. After we became responsible for $1800, Lauren's mouth turned into a protected area. I am going to be very careful with that part of the body. No gum, taffy, hard candy. No jumping on a trampoline or inflatable toys. Nothing that will make it possible for the teeth to get knocked out or rotted out. I am still sick that we have to invest into teeth just for them to fall out. I just can't get over that! I am really glad Lauren chipped her front tooth. That is the only reason that we went to the dentist in the first place. Could you imagine what her mouth would have been like if I waited until now to take her for the first time? Anyway, we have four months to pay it off. We are trying to get the insurance to pay for the sedation. If that happens we will be able to knock off about $800. I think I might bury a $20 in the backyard just in case. Who knows, maybe a tree will sprout!


Lauren was absolutely demon-possessed when she woke up. She made a horrible breathing noise that prompted the anesthesiologist to give her oxygen. Never fun to see that happen. She was flailing around and groaning. They had to shut the door so she wouldn't scare the other kids and parents walking by. My arm was about to break holding all her dead weight as she fought to gain back control of her body. It was enough to make me want to brush her teeth twenty times a day instead of going through this again.


Anyway, it's over and she is a much nicer little girl this morning. She seems to be back to normal walking around in her jammies and wearing one of my softball cleats. Things are as they should be.

Medical Records

One of the good things about going through the IEP process with little Lauren is the access to information I probably wouldn't have thought to get otherwise. One of the numerous testing people asked me if I would like to go ahead and get a copy of my medical records from the delivery. I thought, Sure, why not? Then I started reading them. I literally had to put them down and walk away. I hate to admit this but I didn't understand half of the words on the page.

Here's what I did understand:

Lauren's Apgar scores were 1 at one minute, 2 at five minutes, and 3 at ten minutes. That's not good. Thank God I was out cold for an hour or so afterwards and didn't have to hear about all that right after I delivered.

The report also said: At delivery, the patient was apneic, bruised, cyanotic, depressed, and flaccid. I only know what some of those words mean, but again I don't think it was good seeing as though they were paired with the words bruised and flaccid. None of those words are used in fairy tales or poems, so I can only assume it's not pleasant.

There was a funny part. Weird, a funny part on a hospital report. Anyway, there was a section on the report called Psychosocial Intervention. What? It was a section about Ty and me! It said, "Parents are married and in an intact relationship. They appear to have adequate family support as well. Social work consult ordered for evaluation of needs. They have demonstrated appropriate, competent and loving care for Lauren." Whew, I'm glad they wrote that before we left the hospital. Because if they hadn't put that in the report, I was just going to leave her in the parking lot of Walmart.

I guess I need to get on the Internet and look up some words now. What good is a medical report if you can't understand it. If you need me, I'll be on WebMD....

Please Remember

Can I ask a favor? Lauren is going in Friday to get five cavities drilled and fixed. She is going under anesthesia as well since she is having so much done. Would you please remember her in your prayers this Friday?

I am praying that they won't find anything worse than they expected. There is a chance that they might have to do a baby root canal. I really hope that isn't the case.

I am praying that the anesthesia goes well. When she went under for the last hearing test, she was horrid when she was waking up. She had a miserable time shaking off the after effects of the drugs. I would rather that not happen again.

I am praying that it doesn't cost more than they quoted us in the beginning. If things are worse than they thought, then the price goes up. We only have three months to pay off the bill (starting Friday) and I would rather not have to eat Ramen Noodles for the next year.

I'm sure it will all work out, but it never hurts tho have friends that are willing to pray for you. It means the world to me and our family!

Another One

I must admit that I am a little afraid of having another kid. It's not because of the labor or pregnancy side of things. It's the 'what if' potential. What if the same thing goes wrong with the new baby that happened to Lauren?

Disclaimer: I am NOT pregnant. Thought I would get that out there early and prevent a big let down at the end of this post.

I know, statistically, the chances of that actually happening again are slim. But after living through it once, sheer terror takes over any logical thinking. There was no rhyme or reason for it happening the first time so how do I prevent it from happening again. I couldn't do it a second time around. I don't think I have it in me.

The whole baby thing is on my mind because my dear friend Tonia just had her baby (By the way, he was born on my birthday. That kid is destined for greatness.). I started remembering the way I felt 3 years ago with a new baby and started to wonder what it would be like with two angels running around this house. Then the 'what if's' started creeping in.

So here I sit being logical one minute and petrified the next. I think God will have to step in and make this decision for me. If He leaves me to my own devices, I would just get a bunch of cats and call them my babies. People will run by the house calling me cat lady and throwing tomatoes at me. The neighborhood kids will dare each other to come into the yard and ring the doorbell before I come out and eat them. But I digress.....

You Are My Sunshine...

A neighbor couple grew very attached to Lauren this week. They are in their 60's and loved Lauren from the word go. Jan had her leg amputated from diabetes 11 years ago and spotted Lauren's brace as we were walking through our neighborhood last week. That started the conversation and we talked in her driveway for a while.

This past Saturday, Ty and I were talking on our couch when our doorbell rang. It was Jan and Gary. They came over to tell us that Lauren had been on their heart and that they have been praying for her every morning. Gary was holding a box that had a big, bright smiley face balloon attached to it. They gave her the balloon and opened the box for Lauren. Inside was a green teddy bear with pink, sparkly angel wings. When you pressed the hand of the bear it would sing "You Are My Sunshine". It was really thoughtful and they are a wonderful couple.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. It's 6:05 am when we are awakened to...

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away."

The best part is that the song keeps repeating until you touch the hand of the bear again. Who knows how long it was playing before we woke up. I do know how long it played after we woke up. It's amazing how loud things seem when the house is quiet.

Lauren now goes to bed with the little stuffed puppy she has slept with for a few years now, another little bear that Jan and Gary gave her on our first visit, and this new green singing sparkly angel bear. The puppy is under the left arm, the white bear is under the right and the green bear is laying on her chest. There are nights that I can't see her face from the zoo that is in her bed. I think she is either going to be a vet and take care of animals all the time or a product development specialist for F.A.O. Schwartz. Either way, she's going to have a blast.

Name Game

I am feeling like a.....

fatty, fatty, bo batty, banana fanna fo fatty, me, my, mo, matty...fatty!

If you are with me at a restaurant, make me order a water.

If you call and I am watching TV, tell me to go outside and take a walk.

If you see me eating a Hostess Cupcake, smack it out of my hand and give me a piece of celery.

I want to be a.....

skinny, skinny, bo binny, banana fanna, fo finny, me, my, mo, minnie....skinny!

Good luck getting that song out of your head for the next few hours. You're welcome!

Pictures

Here are some pictures of Lauren in her hearing aids. She didn't particularly like the flash on the camera. Enjoy!

Observations

Here are a few things that I have observed since the hearing aids have arrived.

1) Hugs are different. The hearing aids make Lauren's hugs and snuggles a little different. Not bad, not good, just different. There's now something there between her ear and my shoulder. I guess I will get used to that.

2) I hear things that I didn't hear before. It is totally psychosomatic. I feel like I am more aware of the noises around because I feel that Lauren is more aware of the noises around. It's like I am a husband having sympathy pains with his pregnant wife. Only I am not a boy and not married to a woman. You get the picture, though.

3) Lauren's ears bend forward when the hearing aids are in. I worry that they will grow that way and she will have Dumbo ears. I really don't want anything else that will potentially cause more teasing. The leg brace and hearing aids will be enough ammunition.

4) Hearing aid batteries are considered hazardous waste. I can't throw them in the garbage when they are finished. I need to collect them in a bag and take them to the audiologist for proper disposal. Who knew that something so small could be so hazardous.

The Eagle has Landed!

I can't really believe it myself! The aids are in and functioning. I made it to downtown and back unharmed and in one piece. God is good!

The process was relatively painless. Lauren loved having the aids in her ears. Who would have thunk it? There was one time that was touch and go. They had the aids in her ears testing the levels and they turned up the volume too loud and scared the poo out of her. It took about ten minutes for her to let us put them back in. She barely cried and seems no worse for the wear.

The best part was the ride home. She actually heard me click my seat belt! She had her mouth hanging open and her eyes were wide the whole way home. She sang, danced to the music and pointed out every object from downtown to our house. I think she even heard a bird as we were walking into the house. I am so relieved and excited.

They told me to keep the aids in for as long as she would let me. They said the usual time for kids in the beginning is to try to keep them in for a 1/2 hour at a time. Currently, she has had them in for 2 and 1/2 hours straight. I think we are going to be fine.

One bummer? The batteries only last for a week!!! What the heck? Luckily, the grant I got covers batteries for a year! Praise the Lord for small miracles. There are so many brochures and manuals I need to read now that I think that my head is going to explode. There are certain ways I have to care for these aids that I am worried that I won't be able to keep it all straight. It's a brand new learning curve for a while anyway. It will become second nature eventually. It's just a lot to take in during a short period of time.

Thank you so much for your prayers and concerns. I am so lucky to have all of you during a time like this. You are all appreciated and loved!

By the way, my husband took the digital camera to work and is out of town until tomorrow night. I will get pictures up as soon as he gets back. You are going to die! She is too cute!

Timing Stinks

Praise the Lord that Monday is 'hearing aid day'. I've named it that because it felt like it should be a national holiday since it took so long to actually get here.

As happy as I am that the day is quickly approaching, I am also very nervous. Probably not for the reason you think. I am nervous because our Ford F-150 truck is a temperamental, ghetto fabulous, disaster of an automobile and I have to drive it. By myself. In downtown Charlotte. Of all the weekends in the world, this is the weekend Ty has to go out of town for an overnight trip. So I am stuck with the Hoopty Mobile on the most important day that absolutely cannot get messed up by a crappy truck!

Our truck had been overheating and we just got it fixed this past week. That makes me fell a little better that we won't burst into flames sitting in traffic. Always a plus. However, there are still some issues that concern me. For example, you cannot press on the gas quickly or the transmission slips and you stand still while the engine revs out of control. That means I cannot pull out into traffic very fast or start from a complete stop very well either. I have to wait until there are absolutely no cars and pull out into an intersection like an 80 year old woman on a Sunday afternoon. The people behind me get so mad, but I have no other option. Anytime the truck comes to a stop, this is the process that happens to get going again. That should make a fun trip during rush hour Monday!

Second? The driver side door doesn't open. I have to crawl over Lauren to get in and out of my truck. Want a pretty mental picture? I open the passenger side and put Lauren in the car seat. I buckle her up and she automatically pulls her feet close to her body so I can crawl by her. She knows the routine well. I step in the truck on the passenger side far enough to close the door. I am hunched over Lauren while trying not to hit my head on the roof of the truck and shutting the door at the same time. The prettiest part of the whole ordeal is my ba-donk-a-donk pressed ever so nicely against the windshield in all it's fabulous glory! There's no way around it. I moon everyone anytime I try to get in and out of the truck. There is no graceful way to do it. It's very embarrassing!

Third? I get lost really easily. It's almost ridiculous how bad I am at directions. I think I have a learning disability when it comes to getting around town. I think that I just get so nervous that I make simple mistakes. I once tried to pick Ty up from an overnight trip and ended up at the Colosseum during a Bobcats game. I asked a parking attendant how to get home and busted into tears. He let me pull in and wait for Tyler to catch a ride to find me. I am pathetic!

With all that being said, I am not looking forward to Monday as I would be if I had a working car and a good sense of directions. I would go even if I had to take a horse and carriage. Nothing would keep me from going. Just don't watch me getting out of the truck!

Private School

I got a little sad today thinking that I will never be able to send Lauren to private school. Not because I don't think she can handle it, but because she would not get the needed therapies she would get at a public school. I have nothing against public schools. I taught in them for almost 8 years. I just hate the thought of not getting to choose. At public school she has an IEP and will get physical, occupational, and speech therapy. There would be no way on this earth that we could pay for all of those therapies ourself. Especially when our insurance only covers 20 sessions a year. Thankfully, the school is required to provide those things for Lauren. Private schools are not funded by state money and are not required to provide any special services. So that leaves me with only one decision. Public school, end of story. I haven't had a lot of choices when it comes to my life the past three years. There were a lot of things that happened that I had no control over. Deciding to send Lauren to a private school should have been my decision. Chances are I would have kept her in public school anyway. It just would have been nice to know that I had at least the illusion of choice in my life for a little while.

Something New

I have decided that I am going to try something different with this blog. I am going to try to respond to your comments as much as possible. I have been on blogs where the person writing has responded to the comments and a running dialogue has started in the comment section. I got more from the comments sometimes than I did from the actual blog.

I promise that I will not be mean when responding. You do not need to feel obligated to keep a conversation going. I just feel rude not responding when you took the time to say something helpful or nice to me. It just seems like bad manners.

I will be responding with the initials LMH, which of course stands for Littlemuffinhead. I look forward to talking with you like real people having a real conversation. Don't forget to check the comments!

Work Day

I had to take Lauren to work with me today seeing as that Tyler is in Winston-Salem. I packed the toys that I thought would hold her attention and set on my way. If you don't know the set-up of my job, let me give you a little background. It will help you picture the scenerio later on in this story.

I home school a student that I taught at Metrolina Christian Academy two years ago. This is our second year homeschooling. Approximately 50 feet from his house is a two story garage. They turned the top part of the garage into an office for the dad. They turned it into a classroom when we made the decision to homeschool. There are three large office desks, two for me and one for my student. Two built in drawer-type filing cabinets to hold all my teacher stuff. It is heated and has AC. There is a large white dry-erase board and a small refrigereator to hold drinks and snacks. I have posters and charts hanging all over the room. It really is the coolest job I have ever had!

Lauren quickly grew bored with the DVD player, markers and anything else that I brought. She spent most of the time testing to see if I would discipline her in front of my student. At first she just ran around pulling things off the bookshelf. She eventually spilled my box of stickers and spent the majority of the time picking up the over 1,000 stickers from the floor. When she was done, I saw a completely different kid. Maybe it was the closed quarters. Maybe it was the cinnamon flavored plug-in messing with her brain. Whatever it was she just decided to run around the room like a crazed, wild banshee! No lie, she ran to a poster of geometric shapes and RIPPED it off the wall with both hands and started jumping up and down on it like it was the devil himself. At first I thought maybe she had rabies by the way she was acting, but she was laughing so hard I thought she was going to make herself throw-up. Joseph and I just looked at each other waiting for her head to spin around and spew pea green soup. I got up to hang the poster back up and give Lauren a stern talking to when she went tearing off to her next victim...the calendar. She grabbed two dates right of the calendar and shoved them into her mouth like she hadn't eaten in a week. So I pulled out the dates, complete with a line of slobber, and tried to hang them back up and grab her all at the same time. Have you ever tried to stick spit-soaked tape to a wall. Gross! She took a lap around the room and was able to rip the calendar completely off the wall, drop it and head for the door, giggling the whole way.

Needless to say, Lauren is now napping. I would, too if I had just beat up a perfectly good classroom. It takes a lot of energy to do what she did. I hope she's still not doing this when she goes to Kindergarten!